Law firms nationally are reporting an unsettling trend: growing ranks of undead attorneys in all regions and practice areas.

For years, rumors of ‘zombie software’ have spread through courtroom whispers and anonymous tips. But we now have several confirmed sightings of attorneys who appear to have had portions of their brains permanently deadened or destroyed.

Paralegal Amanda Nesbit told Filevine News “It was the little things at first. You know, a few missed deadlines, an unexpected malpractice lawsuit.”

But, she said, the problem grew:

“One day Clint didn’t show up for a deposition — and Clint’s always on time, very Type-A, you know?” said Nesbit. “So I walked into his office and he was just — just staring blankly at his computer screen, his jaw sort of loose.”

“I got closer and saw he was drooling, just hitting Refresh on the screen, over and over.”

Steve Hubert, a legal para-psycho-technician, says stories like this are increasingly common.

Hubert lays the blame on outdated legal software. “These were once bright, ambitious lawyers,” he explained to us by phone. “All it took was one bad decision. One innocent mistake of failing to adapt to the times. And now look at them: missing deadlines, writing babbling briefs, and calling out for the still-living brains of their uninfected colleagues.”

Hubert fears the ranks of undead attorneys are growing — into what some may call ‘hordes.’ “Software that might have been just fine five years ago is now running purely on undead energy. The only way it can survive now is by ingesting the neurons of its users,” Hubert said.

In some cases, entire firms appear to be reduced to near-comatose states.

“This is nearly as bad as the 2001 Vampire Filing Cabinet Crisis,” said an attorney who wishes to remain anonymous, fearing malpractice lawsuits against her firm. “All that blood drained out of our best people — we’ve never totally recovered. And now how am I supposed to explain to our clients why their attorneys move so stiffly and speak only in spine-tingling groans?”

Authorities are still uncertain how the brain-eating software could be spreading. Until we have further information, the Center for Diseased Technology Control (CDTC) urges all attorneys and staff to exercise extreme caution around old or outdated legal software. Anyone showing an inexplicable attachment to such software should be immediately reported, for the safety of other firm members, and the profession as a whole.